Knowing me now, you would never guess that I have always been a bit of a pessimist when it comes to love. In fact the only type of love I believed in was puppy love; that silly naive love that quickly fades the moment something goes wrong.
After Matthew I learned that love is real, that love is forever. Love is not like it is in the movies. It does take work but it is possible. My perspective on love has since changed again. Now, not only am I believer in love at first sight but I am a believer in love before sight.
The day I found out I was pregnant I felt a new kind of love. This being inside of me could do no wrong. It is still amazing to me that I felt love for someone I could not see, someone I did not know. I did not even know if he was a boy or a girl yet but it really did not matter.
I do not know any better way to describe this feeling of unconditional love. The littlest thing set off my emotions. I feel like my heart is swelling inside of me; I am on the edge of a cliff, feeling like I am flying high; I feel as if I am about to burst.
In the beginning it came from a single thought of him being there, then it was those small flutters like someone was doing cartwheels inside of me. It was those small kicks and punches, then it was that first cry.
It is the babbles of an infant, a gum filled grin. It is the moment he discovered his hands to the first time he tasted his toes. It is what he shows me in his eyes that he knows who I am, and needs me to be near.
It is those senseless words he expresses as he tells me of his dreams, it is the bubbles he makes, it is the curiosity he has of the world. It was gargles that soon turned into giggles.
Every moment of every day he does something that causes my love to boil over. It is funny to me that at one point in my life I thought love was naive and pointless. I am grateful that life has shown me that if anything was naive, it was me.
As I sit here writing this, my son holds my hand. He cannot speak the words I speak. He cannot tell me he loves me. He cannot tell me he knows that I love him. But he squeezes my thumb and contently lays on my stomach. There is no doubt in my mind, he feels the way I feel, there is no doubt in my heart; he knows of this unconditional love that I have only begun to discover.
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